Tag Archives: Online Dating

10 Awkward Online Dating Disasters!

It happens, but try to avoid these scenarios or get out as soon as you can.  It just going to get more awkward!

1.  The Date You Didn’t Want

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Oops!  You got a name and a number confused with your online dating prospects.  Think you are talking to one guy but actually to another!  Plan C guy knocks at the door.  He barely made it on the list and was right at the bottom.  You are even less attracted to him in person.  He seems like a nice person, but better to just be honest with him than give him false hope. It’s the hardest thing to say, but far less cruel than ghosting him later.

2. The Super Hot Guy Trying to Get Laid

Okay so you open the door and this guy stands before you who is just drop dead gorgeous. You are like OMG!  Try to compose yourself as he not just devastatingly handsome, but he is charming too.   He doesn’t wait very long to make his move,  your brain, and common sense are in the off mode and it’s been so long you forgot!

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After the deed is done, you hear the famous line “I’ll call ya”.  And he disappears off into the night never to be seen again! Now come on, you this was coming and if you are okay with it, more power to you.  But, if you are not- JUST SAY NO!  Because he is after one thing and if he sees he’s not going to get it – the date is going to end very soon with some lame excuse about how he is super tired at 9pm.

3. The Creepy Texter

Admit it, you were lazy and only barely checked out his profile. One cute profile picture along with a message that said”Hi beautiful, I would love to get know you “was enough to impulsively send him your number

He sounds really nice and then all of a sudden his texts turn weird.  He is all about conspiracy theory, survivalists, hiding in bushes, thinks he has a problem with werewolves in his trees.

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The messages get more and more bizarre and at this point, you are freaked out. After actually reading his profile, you consider either changing states or countries!  READ PROFILES before you give out your phone number.  It’s way too easy for weirdos to track you down these days!

4. The Constant Texter

So you did read his profile this time, saw pictures of him with his arm around his sister, and he seems so sweet and normal.  You text back and forth for a bit, he is very attentive and you are flattered!  You are getting tired and politely say good night. However, the incoming text ring keeps going off incessantly!.

By the time you wake up in the morning, your phone is completely dead and when you turn it back on you have a myriad of essays texted to you that make “War and Peace” look like a short story!

As you start skimming through pages and pages of messages with way too many “lol’s, rows of emoticons, question marks as to why you are not replying, links to his facebook and twitter followed by links to every member of his families facebook and their twitters,  you completely weirded out as you should be.

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And just when you think it’s safe to continue charging your phone – another text comes through saying “Are you awake?”.  DO NOT RESPOND AND CHANGE YOUR NUMBER!

5.  The Reminder of your Ex

Okay, how weird right?  You are trying to get over your ex.  Out there, forcing yourself to date and then you happen to meet a guy online that kinda looks and sounds just like him. Just REMEMBER THAT EX did not work out so well and the universe can work in very strange ways!

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You will often keep attracting that same kind of guy that broke your heart unless you change something within you.    Stay away from anybody who is going to trigger and remind you of any kind of pain from the past.  Even if he is a nice guy, you are going to be constantly pissed off at him because your brain is going to confuse some little thing he does, with some catastrophic painful incident thrown at you by ex-jerk off!

6. The Guy who Wants Photos of the Goods in Advance

Ewwwe!!!  Does this guy ever get them?  And even classier when he sends you photos of his goods before you meet him.   Would he like it if some did that to his mother?

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7. The Guy Who Never Asks You any Questions about Yourself

Ever had that experience?  The guy who is so literally elated and excited to talk about himself and every trophy he has won since the boy scouts!  Later, you recall the conversation and wonder – does this idiot even know my name?

8. The Guy Who Never tells you Anything about Himself

Ding! Cheating on his wife or girlfriend!  Patrolling the internet for women he can put on a show on for but will run as soon as he has to prove anything.  So much fun being on a date with somebody angrily glaring at their cell phone while constantly texting!  When he eventually excuses himself to take the call, grab all the free bread and quickly exit!

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9. The Guy who Gives you that Bad Feeling in your Stomach

You have absolutely no idea why.  His manners are impeccable.  He is a perfect gentleman. He seems sweet and kind.  He even owns his own cat rescue organization!  But something about him is giving you the jitters.  What is it, does he remind you of a young handsome Ted Bundy?  Don’t even waste your time playing private investigator! You know what they say, always trust your gut instinct.  It truly is there for a reason!

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10. The Guy that is Just Not Into You

Anything more humiliating for a female?  You’ve been texting this guy for weeks and in fact, you think you are better looking than he is!  Then you see a look of unmistakable disappointment in his face when he sees you.

However, he is either a nice guy and will politely continue the date or suddenly get a text that his mom has been rushed to the hospital!  This is not something that is easy on the self-esteem.  Screw him, who is expecting Cindy Crawford?  Even then, he would probably find some flaws in her.

Don’t give up – Mr. Right is out there somewhere.  Of course, you will bump into him in the supermarket wearing no makeup, your pajama pants and your hair done up like a rat’s nest.  Maybe that’s why I have never gotten a date from a supermarket?

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Do’s and Don’ts in Dating!

So you have picked out your future husband, but fear you will lose him fast as bad habits quickly resurface.

 

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Print and laminate at least five copies of these essentials.  You will need one for the back of the toilet tank, your computer screen, your car window, your purse and the door of the microwave.

THE DO’S 

  • Let him text first.  Come now control freak stalker.  If he likes you he will text!
  • Offer to pitch in for something on a first date – even just the tip!  Hopefully, he will decline, but it looks good on your end to at least offer.
  • Save some of the cat talks for a later time. Know the right time to stop, probably when he desperately tries to change the topic.
  • Hide your disdain for both his wet smelly dogs and mention of his exes.
  • Look very carefully for  RED FLAGS and run like the wind when you see one.
  • Quiet on the stories of how badly other men have treated you  (Unless you want him to do the same).
  • Show him your gratitude and appreciation for when he does something nice for you.
  • Consider doing a background check before the first date. Especially those you have met online.  The internet can be a playground for some truly sick and dangerous predators.
  • Do remember that users and abusers WASTE YOUR TIME!  Precious time you could be enjoying with Mr. Right, not some sleazeball who just wants you to come over to his house and never takes you out.
  • Do go out on many dates and HAVE FUN!  The older we get, our brains will convince us that our choices have lessened.  Not true, we actually have a larger selection of quality men to spend our time with.  Forget the days of when we had our pick of a large quantity of pimply faced shallow “studs” just trying to get laid!  Times in the past aren’t always as fun as we choose to remember!
  • Do Stay silent on a bad financial situation till you are well established.  He isn’t looking for a financial burden and doesn’t need to know your electricity check bounced.

THE DON’TS

  • Don’t ever go through his cell phone unless you want hurt feelings, misunderstandings and a lost chance with a very possible Mr. Right!
  • Don’t drunk Text Ever!  They now have cell phone apps for this! Check out very http://www.stopdrunktexting.com.
  •  Don’t make videos of yourself stalking him and then send them to him.  That’s just weird and women generally being so emotion based tend to get caught in the moment and forget that men don’t think like us.

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  • Never leave him UNATTENDED WITH FEMALE FRIENDS!  It’s doesn’t always turn out to be “ho’s before bros”!  Women are competitive by nature, men are dogs by nature.  Don’t try to test him or unnecessarily tempt fate!.
  • Don’t have SEX ON THE FIRST DATE.  He may enjoy it, but in the back of his mind, you have just done every one of his friends!
  • Squash the urges to reply to his texts without at least waiting 30 minutes.  You have a life, remember!
  • Stop telling him every silly thought that passes through your head during the day! This will just irritate him and kill any mystery.
  • No feeding him after midnight!  In fact, he shouldn’t even be walking through your door after midnight, Miss Booty Call!
  • No obsessive googling!   Do you really think you will feel better if you read every comment and examine every female friend on his Social Media!  Guaranteed you will see something you don’t like and it will create negative feelings.   Save that for when you are committed and it is more appropriate!
  • Don’t be jealous that he has a past,  remember he also has a present.  You are not his wife nor will you ever be if you start interrogating him on  “who is this girl”,  etc…  Jealousy is not attractive!

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  • Don’t allow him to treat you in any way, you are not allowed to treat him!
  • Stop messing with your phone around him, it’s just rude and we don’t like it done to us.
  • Do remember to erase those unflattering pictures of yourself on Facebook and Instagram. Don’t join the thousands of cheap tramps trolling all over the social media desperate for any kind of attention.  Keep with the classy “oops didn’t mean to like a supermodel in this shot” only! And don’t photoshop yourself to death either.  You are screaming insecurity and he knows you don’t look like an exhibit from the Hollywood Wax Museum.
  • Don’t let him overstep any boundaries that are important to you.
  • Don’t let him know you are sitting at home on Friday night watching  Pretty in Pink! He is probably sitting at home himself watching “Kickboxer”.
  • Never admit that you have any kind of normal and unflattering bodily functions.  If a weird smell occurs, Lie, lie, lie!  Tell him you think his dog needs to go for walk!
  • Don’t swear like a sailor!  Sounds tacky and cheap.
  • If you dress like a hooker who found her outfit flinging clothes off the 75% discount rack at Target, then expect to be treated like one!  If you can only afford half an outfit, then perhaps wait until you can save up for the rest of it before proceeding with a date!

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  • Lose that black liquid eyeliner, Donatella Versace!  Are you are trying to look like an extra from  Night of the Living Dead or add ten years to your age while highlighting your crows feet!

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  • Never let that first date be without plans and at your house!  We all know that guy!  Hate that guy!

Dating should be fun at any age.  Not some kind of entrapment into a dysfunctional lair of the lying sociopathic creep.  Just don’t invest your heart too quickly!  Make sure he is worth it!

 

 

Nightmare Lover

It was not love in his eyes....

I was just fifteen years old when I graduated from high school, I felt on top of the world. I am a brilliant and beautiful girl with the hope of a bright future. I cleared my examination with distinctions. My parents were so proud of me that they fulfilled their age-long promise on my graduation ceremony.

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I had this unexplainable joy as I open the parcel, my parents, Mr. and Mrs.  Johnson gave me, my joy knew no bound when I realize it was an iPhone 7 and not just any phone, it was the latest smartphone in town, and an iPod inclusive. As I scrutinized the phone with my hands and eyes, words of appreciations were running out of my mouth to my parents. There and then I told myself, “Doris Johnson, you have arrived!”

You might not understand the reason behind my unspeakable joy, but for me, it was a dream come true. As a high school student, I had been seeing some of my colleague with smartphones with their new found social media hobby, but my parents were firm on their decision not to get one for me until I gained admission into College. But my achievements made them fulfill their promise earlier before time.

Immediately I got my phone, I started learning how to handle the phone, and I began downloading a different application on my phone. It got more interesting after downloading some social media apps like Facebook and WhatsApp. Those were the two I started off with then. At the beginning I had few friends on my Facebook username, most were my school mate and church members, and I was cool with the few likes and comment on my post and pictures.

Not long after I was given this phone, my parent was already complaining of my phone addiction, but thank God my college admission to a prestigious school in the country save me from my parent regular scrutiny. Free like a bird you will say, yes I felt like someone without burden.

On getting to school, yes I was a serious student and I always study, and my phone was my best friend and amazingly my friend list on Facebook was running to thousands and as I post any updates or pictures, comment and likes were flooding in, I loved I, so it became a daily routine to post new pictures on Facebook and other social media platform like Instagram, Twitter, BBM and WhatsApp.

I began to make new friends on his social media, we chat for long hours, and interestingly, I felt connected to some of my social media friends. There was Charles, Tony, Braham, Fred and John; those were the top five on my list. Yes, they were all Guys, what do you expect from a pretty young teenager like me? They all made me feel like I am more than this Doris Johnson and who does not like feeling cool with herself.

Apart from this five that caught my fancy, there were still others that really wanted my attention, but I ignored them. Don’t get it twisted; I am just an innocent girl determined to succeed, with minimal social life in the physical but social network, I am all over it. At age eighteen, I was still single with a lot of suitors, but I refused to give in because I was determined on waiting for Mr. Right.

But, there is this Charles, the one guy I can wake up in the middle of the night to chat with, I just so liked him even though am yet to see him in person. He was my number one.

I remembered we became friends on Facebook 2013; he was always the first person to like and comment and share my pictures. I observed this trend for some time, this prompt me to go through his profile on Facebook, he was a very handsome guy with a fair complexion, I couldn’t take my eyes off his pictures as if that was not enough he works with a popular multinational company in the state. One afternoon my phone beeped, lo and beheld it was the almighty Charles saying hi for the first time, I was so delighted as I replied his messages and one thing led to the other, we became constant chat mate, and soon the Facebook platform was not enough for us. We shared phone contact, hooked up on Instagram, WhatsApp, Skype, IMO, and BBM.

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It was like I have known him forever, I could tell him everything and anything without reservation; my feelings, my weakness, strength, in fact, he knew all the names of every guy that ever asked me out, he was my confidence and my counselor. I never bothered if he was as open to me as I was, I was just satisfied that he was always there when I needed him and that was all that count.

I needed not to be told that my relationship with Charles was more than friendship but I refuse to accept, or I choose to turn blind eyes to it. While communicating we use different intimate emoji, and sweet words to compliment each other.

After few year of intimate relationship online, we were no longer satisfied with the video chat on Skype; he wanted to see each other. He complained of his busy schedules and weekend activities and pleaded with me to come see him in his Station.

I was a bit skeptical about it initially, considering my background and principal never to run after guys, but my personal judgment of him took the better part of me. I told myself, after all, he is a nice guy, and I have known him for approximately three years. Then I began to nurse different excuses for him, to justify my going to see him and soon I concluded within myself to visit him in this station.

He was so happy when I told him I was coming to see him over the weekend, so he sent me a huge sum of money and instructed me to use part for my transport and use the remain for personal use. That was not his first time of sending me money, though.

After Lectures on Friday afternoon, I left the school premises and boarded a vehicle to a place had never been before to see Charles. I arrived safely, and to my surprise, he was already at the park waiting for me. He looked better than the pictures. He hugged me, and this strange sensation passed through me, at this point I was so in love with this guy. He was so calm and gentle, we exchanged pleasantries, and he led me to his vehicle. We didn’t go to his apartment straight away; rather he took me out, it was like we were on a date. From the lavished evening three-course meal at a very sophisticated restaurant in town to the cinema. I felt like a princess as he gazed at me so sharply in admiration. The evening went so well with a lot of fun and laughter, and finally, he drove me to his apartment around 10:00 pm.

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I have never spent a night at a guys place before, so I felt a little bit uncomfortable but was trying my best to feel at home. His apartment was a spacious and everything was in order. At first glance, I could say it had a touch of a lady, but I ignored the thought.

He dropped his phone on the table as he prepared to shower. He asked me if I will do the same, but I said: “later.”

As he was in the shower, his phone rang and something huge me closer to his phone, and what I saw hit me like a hammer “my love” was calling with a picture of both of them on the screen, I felt like am dreaming, I was still trying to convince myself that there must be a mistake somewhere when a WhatsApp message popped up on the saying “how is the preparation for our next month engagement.”? I was so devastated and disappointed in myself that I could not contain it.

When he came out of the shower, he noticed my countenance and was pressurizing me to open up to him. He picked up his phone, opened it and kept acting normal. At this point I could not take the heat, so I voiced out and spilled out my discovery.

 

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Like I earlier stated he knew everything about me and he knew I don’t give betrayal a second chance. He came closer to me tried to touch me as he apologized, but I pushed his hands away. Suddenly, what seems to be apology turned violent. He held my two hands, telling he loved me, he tried to kiss me, and I was shaking my head. Before I could say JACK, I don’t know what heat my face; he pinned me down to the cushion with his broad chest and his lip and tongue all over my face and neck; it was so disgusting.

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As I struggled to free myself from his grip, he yanked my cloth off, possessed my body, as I attempted screaming, he forced the yanked cloth inside my mouth, and I was so helpless. I began to plead with my eyes and with everything in me, but he wouldn’t stop. Then the worst happen as he thrusts in and pushes it to deep inside my V without mercy, he was the devil himself. It was the most painful experience as I felt it in all my bone and marrow, I wept uncontrollably, but the deed was done.

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I was too weak to react; I was just weeping as I wrapped myself in my torn cloth. I could not leave his apartment in the dead of the night. There and then he started apologizing that he did it because he loved me and can’t avoid to lose me; I felt like seeing a gun to shot him and myself, but I was so scared to react. What seems like a good evening, turned out to be my most unpleasant experience in life.

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With no one to talk to and no boldness to share my experience with anyone, I left his place very early the following morning devastated. That was the last I heard of him as he blocked me off all his social networks and never called again.  I was seriously so ashamed and embarrassed at what happened that I just went home and sat in a hot bathtub for about an hour and crawled into bed just wanting to sleep.  I was seriously sore between my legs, he had been large and I felt like I had been ripped.  I had pretty much washed away any evidence of what had happened and to be honest I am glad I did. I did not want to tell anybody.  I have lived with this secret for all my life and I am nearly 40 years old now,  happily married with two children and living the typical SUV driving Soccer mom lifestyle in the suburbs.

I should have told on him but I didn’t want the permanent stigmata of being the girl who was raped by some creep on the internet.  I am selfish I know, because most likely he has done it to other females and I left it upon on of them to speak up.   However, not a day goes by that I don’t think about it at some point in the day and the rage I feel continually intensifies.  How dare he, it is my body he invaded and I hope he rots in hell!

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