Tag Archives: eBay

The Cover BOYS of eBay!

The easiest refrigerator sale he ever made…

 

GQ is so yesterday when you can be a male eBay model!  His pose screams ” I just dare you to open a Return Request!”   Here they are:

The Coverboys of eBay!

Goth in a Tiny Tomato Jacket!

This I think might be two sizes too small???

  He ate only tomatoes, sacrificed the sun, and squeezed into a jacket two sizes too small to create one of eBay’s hottest photo shoots!  

The “Bitch This is my Hair, and I have the receipt to prove it” Diva

Rock that wig, girl???

 I dare you!  Talk to that hand and watch is slap you!

The Prep Boy in South Central

I LOVE THE GAY MAN,TRULY.  HONEY, YOU WORK THAT!!! AND WITH AN ATTITUDE!!!

Dr Dre met USC and get your ass beat!

The “I’m not really in the Army but just look like it” Guy!

WHERE DOES A GAY MAN OF COLOR SAFELY WEAR THIS TO ENJOY A NIGHT ON THE TOWN? Oh that's right on an eBay shoot.

What is more, fun, getting up at 4am to the tune of 500 push-ups or simply wearing the outfit that makes it look like you have!

The “Forever Dickies” Guy

THIS IS THE MAN I THINK OF WHEN I SEE THE BRAND NAME "DICKIES"!

Old Navy, just give it up!  Gap, we don’t even remember who you are? Your outfits make a man look like he is dressing for a ballet recital in Swan Lake!

Women want a Dickies man!  A man who will proudly strut around in 100% polyester khakis and take you out to Dennys for dinner!  He is super hot, blue collar, rugged with calloused hands and a freezer full of microwaved dinners!

 

“This T-Shirt Gets Me all the Bitches” Guy

Where Is That Pet Store Some Guys Have All The Luck Fridge Magnet 2 5 x 3 5 | eBay

You too could be sporting three pet females on a leash if you invested $9.99 in this T-shirt! Also comes equipped with free muzzles for the occasional times when you want those bitches to keep their mouth closed!

The “My Pants with NEVER be Tight or Gold enough” Guy

???.....

 To me, these just yell too baggy and gold tin foil for fabric!  Tighter and Golder, dude!

The “I just used the restroom, happened to look in the mirror and selfie time” Guy

 We have all been there.  Used the bathroom, looked in the mirror and had no idea how fine we really looked.  How much would the world suck without cell phones to catch us when we look super hot!  There may just be an eBay talent scout coming out of the stall right next to you.

The “Baby Powder Blue Diapered Sippy Cup” Guy

Your momma would tell you to cross your legs there you ugly beefcake! Nobody wants to watch you sport your powder baby blue speedos with NOTHING even to fill them with…  Do the world a favor and buy yourself a bra!  I blame Trump for this!

 

The “I can sell this lamp in the background for $99” Guy

Shirtless-Muscular-Male-Hairy-Chest-Abs-Hunk-Beefcake-Guy-PHOTO-4X6-N504

Only if the lamp comes WITHOUT him!

 

The “Pretty in Pink Moving Service” Guy

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Don’t discard her strength and agility when she and the girls drive up in their bright crimson pink moving truck!  They will never break one of your Waterford Crystals!  Plus, as they look with pure disdain at that comforter you got from Ross, you will end up donating half of your furniture anyway!

The “Check out my Designer Kitchen Appliances” Guy!

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Seriously, if I am going to buy a refrigerator I would like to see the whole product!

 

And for now, that’s all folks.  I have plenty more eBay cover boys waiting for their 15 minutes, so stay tuned!

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The Cover GIRLS of eBay!

They missed the bus to their Victorias Secret interview and  Tyra fired them from Top Model for smoking crack in the bathroom.  They thought their dreams of becoming the next Adriana Lima were over!   However, fate held a job with far more prestige and glamour than any cover of Vogue!  These are The Cover Girls of eBay!

The Planet of the Apes Extra

IS SHE AUDITIONING FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF PLANET OF THE APES?

The most sort after extra for the Planet of the Apes series! She works for a paycheck of only two bananas and has a line of fans a mile long with special guest appearances at every POA convention.

The Giant Midget

OK ARE YOU A MIDGET OR A GIANT?

She can model for both petite sized clothing as well as the extra tall.  Now that’s versatility!

The “Guess” Again Girl

Vintage Jean Guess Jacket- I USED TO LOVE GUESS! NOW I MUST GUESS AGAIN! Lose the pants but please don't photograph it.

 Neither Claudia Schiffer nor Anna Nicole Smith could make this outfit work. The wrinkled pants and harsh underwear lines are worn so effortlessly by this eBay Guess superstar!

The Potato Head Girl

Is the symmetry just off - or is that a tiny body supporting one GIANT head!

Remember Mr. Potato Head?  We just found his mail-order bride!

The Blonde Muscle Fountain

The barely hidden protruding penis adds a fresh look to this lovely lady.  We love the sheer fierce no-nonsense pose contrasting beautifully with the tranquil background.  There just Ain’t no fountain high enough ….

The Chipmunk Girl

My squirrel is hungry, can you share some of those nuts you are storing in your cheeks?  Thank you :)

This girl has all the luck, a very nice figure and the ability to store enough nuts in those cheeks to feed every starving squirrel in Africa!

The Retired Coked Out Strippers

Girl’s just wanna have fun…  To be 60, look 70  and dress like your 20.  You’ve got the best of three decades!  Thank you for being too high to untie each other’s bathing suits!

The Young Boy posing as a Teenage Girl for Pedophiles and just got caught by their Mother 

I came home and caught my 12 year old son in a dress!

Oops, mom.  He bought it for me from eBay!

Shy Plain Jane with a Camel Toe

Nice!

Hollywood stars fork out big bucks for fake camel toes and this completely bored look this lucky lady has naturally been blessed with!

The Overweight Meth Smoking Unshowered Trailer Park Lady

Worn Bra - STERILIZE IT FIRST, THEN THOW IT IN THE DUMPSTER in your trailer park.L

“Come in” she grunts to you in a hoarse croak.  The cigarette smoke burns your eyes but spares you temporarily for the eyesore that awaits you.   You are not sure if she is pulling out that bra or stuffing it back in.  You run screaming and crash straight into Leatherface in the motorhome next door.  He just looks at you with sympathy, puts down his chainsaw and drives you back into town.

The Androygenous Abercrombie & Fitch Model who played an Elf in Lord of the Rings

I'm sure he is a very nice guy

You remember his/her name right and the part where he/she is helping the elf king doing something important in order to fend off the dwarves and the trolls because one of the hobbits just lost the ring again and he/she appeared in a beautiful halo of light handing it to Golem…

The Bitchy Asian Alexis Colby

Dynasty is back and has moved to China!!!  Welcome back Joan Collins!

For those of you who ever watched the 80’s nighttime soap Dynasty, you should be familiar with the reference.  Joan Collins eat your heart out and Krystle, there is a new bitch in town after your man!

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Want more check out my Pinterest page…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Reasons why eBay can make you CRAZY!!!

NEWS BREAKING UPDATE!!! 

As an addition to this article written about a year ago, I have the ultimate topper for all of you that love to read about weird eBay stories.  So a lady purchases a vacuum from me.  Has a major case of buyer’s remorse and tries to claim that the vacuum is, yes you guessed it – NOT AS DESCRIBED!  Yawn…

Just as I am figuring out how to prove this lying bottom feeder for what she is, plus take that dreaded gamble where the odds are 99% in favor of the buyer I noticed something odd. Upon looking closer at her photographs, I notice that Ms. Serial Returner had uploaded a photo to the Resolution Center that exactly matched the one in my ad, but had a little something extra in hers!

Meth Pipe

Now, what is that in her hand?  She did not seriously just upload a photo of herself without cropping out the meth pipe in her hand, did she?  I have seen it all now.  Well, there went her credibility.  Case closed!

 Okay, so they didn’t really put me in a mental ward.  But, came damn near close!

Fashion Photography of Woman Holding Smartphone in Blue Denim Dress Shirtr

1. Time Wasted on the Phone!

Do you realize the time of a customer call on the phone to eBay could absolutely be cut in half if the representative did not have to stop what they were doing every two minutes to come back and tell us that they needed to place us on hold for another two minutes!  Not a problem, I know you are still there.  The tin like elevator music playing reassures me of that.

2. The Hold Music

As much as I have enjoyed jamming to the same tune on eBay for the last ten years. I kindly request that you use my seller fees for some variation in the elevator music.  I will take anything!  Barry Manilow, Englebert Humperdinck, Gary Glitter…

3. Horrible Seller Photos

I can’t stand it when people take pictures of their clothes lying on their dirty smoke stained carpet and tell to convince you they are ” new without tags!.   They lose that straight out of  Nordstrom look when they are sloppily cast aside next to some cigarette butts, dirty shoes, an old can of malt liquor and a dog that looks like he has an itchy behind.

From New Jersey?  Please don't beat me up in a dark alley :(

Worse is when they are wearing the item and have totally mismatched it with something hideous that they think nobody will notice in the photograph.  Invest in a mannequin, and make the CDC’S job a little easier.  If it has squished into intimate crevices of your body, it is not new because you left the tag attached.

Worn Bra - STERILIZE IT FIRST, THEN THOW IT IN THE DUMPSTER in your trailer park.

Who’s in the market for a new bra now???

4. Seller Secrets

Did somebody sell some used Tupperware for $11,000?   I can’t sell new Tupperware for $11.00!  I can’t figure out how or why people pull this off but it smells fishier to me than rotting food residue trapped in the dishwasher of a sushi restaurant.

And, China, how do you sell anything for an auction that starts at one penny, and offers free shipping?  Where can I find this shipping company?

5. Wanna be Supermodels

52-year-old housewife, you are not a Victoria’s Secret Model.  Are you trying to actually sell the clothing here or just enjoy the excuse to post selfies?  And for those who have to hold a cell phone up to themselves in the bathroom, you do realize that you can press reverse so that the phone doesn’t show!

Or in this case an actual camera.  Is she selling the camera or the dress?  Or is a package deal.  If she has enough money for her own personal studio, you think she would invest in a tripod!

6. Item not as Described

Every eBay seller’s worst nightmare.  We wake up in cold sweats over this one at just the thought.  Getting the dreaded “I am so horrified, please refund my money, it was damaged in shipping and now useless” type case.  Yet, the buyer does not offer to return the item.  Take effect immediately.  Before you even answer them,  file a Fed Ex claim and send them to the door to pick up the “damaged” item”!   Game over!

Haha, no free seller items for you, Mister.  Not running a charity for thieving scammers!

7. The New Buyer

No, no, no!!!  Not the one with 0 percent feedback who suddenly orders the most expensive item in your inventory.  We already know what is going to happen, but we are forced to ship.   I just tried to block you but all of a sudden you have no account!  I  am just relieved we could work this out, I don’t mind the negative feedback at all, the free product you got and so sorry your terrible buyer experience scared you away from eBay. You might want to close down all those multiple accounts you have then since it all went so bad for you!

Man in White Mask in Black Crew Neck Shirt and Blue Zip Up Jacket Infront Graffiti Wall

8. The Charge Backer

You, sir, are just the very definition of a snake! And karma will catch up with you if I don’t!  You bypass eBay, then you cowardly lion (without a case), bypass Paypal and call your credit company (if that card even belongs to you) and have the charge reversed? Why can’t you pay like everybody else?  Oh right, because you are a snake!  Sorry that I put a lock on that iPhone you “purchased”, reported it stolen, reported the fraud with your name on it to the FTC and called your local police department.  Now you have a very fancy looking paperweight 🙂

Shallow Focus Photography of Gray Snake With Black Tongue

 9. The Best Offer Guy

If I wanted to sell a $100 item for $10 with no best offer as an option, I would have listed it that way! Plus you would like free shipping?  How about I hand deliver it to you on a silver platter with a cocktail and some caviar!   I am not in this for philanthropic reasons.  Why do so many buyers think the average seller from home has a huge warehouse full of goods and we can afford to sell it to them at a price where the shipping would far exceed the cost of the item!  And these are the types that normally leave crappy feedback anyway.

 10. Indefinite Suspension

So indefinite means ” not definite; without fixed or specified limit;”   And suspension means “to come to a stop, usually temporarily; cease from operation for a time. 

Those dreaded words you never want to hear, that you are indefinitely suspended.  Normally caused by some a**hole bitching over something ridiculous and pissed off because he doesn’t get it for free.  You put your foot down, but of course in the world of eBay, there are limited circumstances in which a seller can just say NO to a buyer without repercussions.   

Image result for ebay logo

So back to this indefinite suspension notice.  You call and say okay fine, what can I do to fix this and when will I be reinstated?  ” Nothing and Never” they reply.  “Customers are dissatisfied”.  Why, because they had to pay for their item? But surely there must be something I can do, reduce my selling limit, please give me a second chance, I have 99% feedback and only two defects! “Nothing we can do the system won’t let us override it” Call your IT department then!  Click.

Damn eBay! So how long does this indefinite period of time go on for again?”  Are we talking about our future lives as well? Do we hand this curse down from generation to generation?  Moral of the story,  it’s totally possible so just don’t get suspended from eBay!  People say there is life selling on the internet after eBay.  It’s just a lie to make you and themselves feel better.

Check out my growing eBay’s Worst Models Collection!