NEWS BREAKING UPDATE!!!
As an addition to this article written about a year ago, I have the ultimate topper for all of you that love to read about weird eBay stories. So a lady purchases a vacuum from me. Has a major case of buyer’s remorse and tries to claim that the vacuum is, yes you guessed it – NOT AS DESCRIBED! Yawn…
Just as I am figuring out how to prove this lying bottom feeder for what she is, plus take that dreaded gamble where the odds are 99% in favor of the buyer I noticed something odd. Upon looking closer at her photographs, I notice that Ms. Serial Returner had uploaded a photo to the Resolution Center that exactly matched the one in my ad, but had a little something extra in hers!
Now, what is that in her hand? She did not seriously just upload a photo of herself without cropping out the meth pipe in her hand, did she? I have seen it all now. Well, there went her credibility. Case closed!
Okay, so they didn’t really put me in a mental ward. But, came damn near close!
1. Time Wasted on the Phone!
Do you realize the time of a customer call on the phone to eBay could absolutely be cut in half if the representative did not have to stop what they were doing every two minutes to come back and tell us that they needed to place us on hold for another two minutes! Not a problem, I know you are still there. The tin like elevator music playing reassures me of that.
2. The Hold Music
As much as I have enjoyed jamming to the same tune on eBay for the last ten years. I kindly request that you use my seller fees for some variation in the elevator music. I will take anything! Barry Manilow, Englebert Humperdinck, Gary Glitter…
3. Horrible Seller Photos
I can’t stand it when people take pictures of their clothes lying on their dirty smoke stained carpet and tell to convince you they are ” new without tags!. They lose that straight out of Nordstrom look when they are sloppily cast aside next to some cigarette butts, dirty shoes, an old can of malt liquor and a dog that looks like he has an itchy behind.
Worse is when they are wearing the item and have totally mismatched it with something hideous that they think nobody will notice in the photograph. Invest in a mannequin, and make the CDC’S job a little easier. If it has squished into intimate crevices of your body, it is not new because you left the tag attached.
Who’s in the market for a new bra now???
4. Seller Secrets
Did somebody sell some used Tupperware for $11,000? I can’t sell new Tupperware for $11.00! I can’t figure out how or why people pull this off but it smells fishier to me than rotting food residue trapped in the dishwasher of a sushi restaurant.
And, China, how do you sell anything for an auction that starts at one penny, and offers free shipping? Where can I find this shipping company?
5. Wanna be Supermodels
52-year-old housewife, you are not a Victoria’s Secret Model. Are you trying to actually sell the clothing here or just enjoy the excuse to post selfies? And for those who have to hold a cell phone up to themselves in the bathroom, you do realize that you can press reverse so that the phone doesn’t show!
Or in this case an actual camera. Is she selling the camera or the dress? Or is a package deal. If she has enough money for her own personal studio, you think she would invest in a tripod!
6. Item not as Described
Every eBay seller’s worst nightmare. We wake up in cold sweats over this one at just the thought. Getting the dreaded “I am so horrified, please refund my money, it was damaged in shipping and now useless” type case. Yet, the buyer does not offer to return the item. Take effect immediately. Before you even answer them, file a Fed Ex claim and send them to the door to pick up the “damaged” item”! Game over!
Haha, no free seller items for you, Mister. Not running a charity for thieving scammers!
7. The New Buyer
No, no, no!!! Not the one with 0 percent feedback who suddenly orders the most expensive item in your inventory. We already know what is going to happen, but we are forced to ship. I just tried to block you but all of a sudden you have no account! I am just relieved we could work this out, I don’t mind the negative feedback at all, the free product you got and so sorry your terrible buyer experience scared you away from eBay. You might want to close down all those multiple accounts you have then since it all went so bad for you!
8. The Charge Backer
You, sir, are just the very definition of a snake! And karma will catch up with you if I don’t! You bypass eBay, then you cowardly lion (without a case), bypass Paypal and call your credit company (if that card even belongs to you) and have the charge reversed? Why can’t you pay like everybody else? Oh right, because you are a snake! Sorry that I put a lock on that iPhone you “purchased”, reported it stolen, reported the fraud with your name on it to the FTC and called your local police department. Now you have a very fancy looking paperweight 🙂
9. The Best Offer Guy
If I wanted to sell a $100 item for $10 with no best offer as an option, I would have listed it that way! Plus you would like free shipping? How about I hand deliver it to you on a silver platter with a cocktail and some caviar! I am not in this for philanthropic reasons. Why do so many buyers think the average seller from home has a huge warehouse full of goods and we can afford to sell it to them at a price where the shipping would far exceed the cost of the item! And these are the types that normally leave crappy feedback anyway.
10. Indefinite Suspension
So indefinite means ” not definite; without fixed or specified limit;” And suspension means “to come to a stop, usually temporarily; cease from operation for a time.
Those dreaded words you never want to hear, that you are indefinitely suspended. Normally caused by some a**hole bitching over something ridiculous and pissed off because he doesn’t get it for free. You put your foot down, but of course in the world of eBay, there are limited circumstances in which a seller can just say NO to a buyer without repercussions.
So back to this indefinite suspension notice. You call and say okay fine, what can I do to fix this and when will I be reinstated? ” Nothing and Never” they reply. “Customers are dissatisfied”. Why, because they had to pay for their item? But surely there must be something I can do, reduce my selling limit, please give me a second chance, I have 99% feedback and only two defects! “Nothing we can do the system won’t let us override it” Call your IT department then! Click.
Damn eBay! So how long does this indefinite period of time go on for again?” Are we talking about our future lives as well? Do we hand this curse down from generation to generation? Moral of the story, it’s totally possible so just don’t get suspended from eBay! People say there is life selling on the internet after eBay. It’s just a lie to make you and themselves feel better.
Check out my growing eBay’s Worst Models Collection!