A Commitment Phobe is basically a scared little boy with either mommy issues or holding on to the woman who rejected him that he can’t let go of. He will always be looking for something better around the corner which he will never find. Ultimately, he will end up a lonely old man sad and alone. However, how much sympathy can you have for him when he has lied and hurt dozens of women? He is basically damaged goods for life unless he decides to get therapy. Unlike the sociopath, who is incurable, this one can get help if he chooses. Good luck with that, the majority who fall into this category choose not to.
AVOID, AVOID, AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE! He is toxic poison who will lie to you and waste your time. Inherently he actually HATES WOMEN! He knows he is hurting you, and does not have a problem with it. He is terrified of getting close to anybody. And will ALWAYS look out for himself first!
STAGE 1 HONEYMOON PHASE!
Clearly the best stage. The Love Bombing. He pursues you, compliments you, very affectionate and of course doesn’t let on that he has no intention of keeping you around. He is enjoying the thrill of the chase and since he doesn’t yet have you, he has no anxiety about you posing a threat to his freedom.
I met CP online. Jaded and recovering from the sociopath, I should have gotten therapy before trying to date again. I put myself on a dating site and one day I see a message from the profile of a really good-looking guy. He wrote that he would love take me for a walk on the beach at sunset.
I was curious and sent him my phone number. We texted for a couple of weeks, he was very friendly and sweet sounding. Then, red flag number one already presented itself. He sent me a text at 1am saying he was driving back home from LA and could he come by, very casually as if we knew each other well and had actually met. I said, uh no I am already in bed and I think I will wait for that beach walk. He was persistent but I ignored the phone and went to sleep.
A week later we met. I opened the door and he was really cute and thoughtful to bring me a present or two. We sat down on the couch, chatted and laughed and started kissing. We actually had a lot in common.
I was really attracted to this guy and the heavy petting was leading further. And I said no, bad luck on a first date! He laughed and said don’t be silly if it feels right, it feels right. Every instinct said don’t do it, but like an idiot, I did. He stayed over night and we fell asleep. As he left in the morning I was like you must think I am a slut! He again laughed it off, kissed me goodbye and said he would be in touch. I figured I would never hear from him again. But not the case. He texted me an hour later saying what a great time he had and hoped he could see me again. For the next month I saw him maybe once or twice a week and we texted every day
I was really starting to get excited every time I saw him. He was incredibly affectionate, funny and sweet. It did weird me out by the fact that we never went out anywhere of the house. He would constantly send me picture messages of himself showing me what he was doing and many of them were of him sitting at the beach. I didn’t have a car and it was summer, I was dying to go to the beach. His beach pictures would always say “wish you were here”! Or “I miss you”. That was starting to irritate and frustrate me. If you really wished I was there, why won’t you come and get me you twit, I thought.
I told him, hey I love the beach I wish you would take me sometime! He did take me one night but it was just strange. He went and sat on the rocks by the cliff alone staring out at the ocean while I sat on the beach by myself. It wasn’t exactly what I imagined. I thought we would be holding hands and watching the water together. Aside from the text pictures he would never really tell me anything deep about his life outside of what particular errand he was doing. The second red flag I ignored!
I would miss him when I didn’t see him and then he started becoming “The Man after Midnight”. I nicknamed him that after the ABBA song. And it became our song as a joke.
However, it bothered me because now he really was just coming over every now and then after midnight. I told him great. I really don’t want to be somebodys booty call. He promised me I wasn’t just booty call. That he really liked me. He even played frisbee with me for ten minutes!
And I believed he did. We really had chemistry and he seemed just as excited to see me. We had some great conversations and when I looked in his eyes I saw nothing but kindness there!
Now here comes our third red flag! One night an annoying female neighbor who was arguing with her mother decided to invite herself over. She asked if she could wait at my place until her friend picked her up. Five minutes later CP texted me asking to come over. I told her I had a date, she said don’t worry he won’t be long. I wasn’t jealous of her, she was pretty, but in a very cheap sleazy no class sort of way. I wanted her gone before CP came over, because I wanted to be alone with him. That didn’t happen.
CP arrived, they started talking on the couch and being friendly. I was a bit annoyed, but no biggie. I went into my office to check my email, and left them alone in the living room. I expected him to follow me a lot sooner than he did. He finally came in the office and gave me a hug and said come out in the living room. I was feeling a little sensitive that he took so long, but I did. The girl could tell I was getting annoyed and seemed to be getting off on it. She again said her ride was nearly here, I could tell she was eyeing CP. He and I went into the bedroom for some alone time and I fell asleep. He had played Van Morrison’s “Moondance” during our romantic time.
I woke up a few hours later to “Moondance” playing again (that song has always somehow seem to curse my love life) and more giggling. He was sitting out there with her and they were engaged in conversation. He didn’t even hang out with me that long anymore after relations. I was not happy. He should have left or stayed in the room with me. He jumped up and said he was on his way to leave and she said she had to go as well. How the hell was she going to leave without a car! I said, oh that’s convenient, what are you giving her a ride??? She walked out the door. He said don’t be silly and came over to give me a hug goodbye and left even though he knew I was upset and suspicious. She came back ten minutes later, I guess he had chickened out of driving her, or whatever was going on.
I yelled at her, wtf! She proceeded to tell me he had been hitting on her. That he told her to keep her voice down so that I wouldn’t wake up and that he wasn’t looking for anything serious with me. I was like really, well how nice of him to let her know that and not inform me. I had made a joke with him earlier saying – do you think she is prettier than me? Completely playing around. He went and told her I had said that and I felt totally betrayed and humiliated. Sounded like he had been talking s***t on me to a complete stranger!
I sent him a text repeating what she had said. His reply “Don’t listen to her…” No other explanation. That gave off a weird vibe to me, like he was already a little too familiar. I was upset the next couple of days but didn’t show it. I didn’t want to come off as jealous and clingy. Plus, aside from that “prettier” comment and my gut instinct ( which one should never ignore) I had no real proof. The incident stuck in my mind.
One night soon after, we were hanging out and I went ahead and asked him the dreaded question “is this going anywhere”? We had been seeing each other for about four or five months and nothing had changed. He looked uncomfortable and said what do you mean. Well just not sure if we are just FWB or is this is a heading into a relationship? Just, um any thoughts? Such an uncomfortable thing to ask a guy but at some point you want an idea. His reply completely threw me off.
“No, I have already been through all the relationship crap. I cannot be your boyfriend or anyone elses. We are not exclusive!”. I looked at him strangely, “You mean ever? Like nothing you might possibly consider later on, not pressuring you – but not one chance at all. You have already decided NEVER EVER!“. He said “Yes never! I told you that from the start!” No you didn’t, you lying bastard!
I got up and walked in the office and sat down trying not to cry. I was in there for an hour or so thinking, wondering what the whole point of us had even been. I would have said just sex, had it not been the fact that he was extremely loving and affectionate and seemed very fond of me. I walked out and told him I was going to bed. He acted like nothing had even happened and said “oh can I join you”. Whatever, I said I don’t care. I went and lay down, he got in bed with me and played on his phone. I never said a word and he said well this feels weird, I’m going to leave. Bye, I said. And the moment the door closed I burst into tears and lay in bed depressed the whole weekend.
I was so mad at myself, I had let myself get hurt again so easily without seeing what was really going on. I hadn’t had my phone on or checked my computer. When I did I saw a barrage of text messages from him saying – I don’t understand what happened, we had something really good going on, sending videos of himself looking all sad, emails asking if I had blocked him. Just off the top behavior for somebody who didn’t ever want me as a girlfriend. He actually seemed genuinely hurt, upset and confused.
I was really sad too and made a HUGE MISTAKE and started seeing him again. Thinking to myself, well I’ll just take this each day as it comes and not worry about the boyfriend thing. Maybe he is right. Deluding myself of course!
STAGE 2 – THE MIDDLE
By now you should have run for the hills just like he will very shortly!
We continued to see each other and I mentally accepted things for what they were. They didn’t seem any different from before. I stopped worrying about it. However, his already flaky behavior did seem to get worse. Sometimes he would stand me up, saying that he had accidentally fallen asleep or keep me waiting for hours before he did turn up. I started getting upset over this and told him it was not cool for him to be so disrespectful of my time. At first he would say sorry. Then it got to, well go on about your life, don’t sit around waiting for me. What does that mean! We were supposed to hang out. Because he doesn’t turn up or call, I’m suddenly a desperate loser. I started getting resentful and afraid of getting more hurt.
Our “relationship” turned into a cycle of me breaking up with him twice a week for all of about a day. “Breaking up” being the term he used. I said to him “how can be break up when we are not even together”? So he changed it to breaking “it” off. He would get really upset with me when I would do this. The other unhealthy behavior I developed when he left me waiting around, were the pages of angry drunk texts. I assumed he had ditched me for another woman. My anxiety which I already have had a life long problem with was kicking into full effect.
Stupid game playing behavior was what we were both doing. However, when we saw each other we never fought and still had a great time together. It had been going on six or seven months since we had met. During one of the times I had been sitting around waiting for him I started googling his behavior and found the definition of a Commitment Phobe. It described him down to the bone. I was relieved that it wasn’t all me going crazy, that it was a disorder. I was surprised he was still around, but again I didn’t really want to lose him from my life, so I just kept ignoring all logic and stuck myself on an emotional rollercoast. I soon learned to hate that emotion was something that almost disgusted him.
STAGE 3 – THE END
Be ready to get hurt big time!
A rock band I really liked was coming into town and I was excited. I bought two tickets at a hundred bucks each and debated on whether I should ask him. I was so scared that he was going to flake. However, I really wanted him to go with me so I asked him and he said sure he would love to. I stopped playing the breaking up game with him, I stopped the drunk texting and doing the things that upset him. It actually backfired. The breaking up game had kept him on his feet and not worrying that he was losing his freedom. In the following weeks, he started to become more distant and more busy and I barely saw him. I found myself becoming the one initiating all the texts and asking him if he wanted to come over.
All of a sudden he had gotten a dog, started some new long work project and so always had an excuse to leave really quickly now. He then practically disappeared for three weeks. His birthday had come around, he had a custody case he was involved in, his friend was sick etc… All plausible reasons and he had recently yelled at me that everything was about me and all my problems. So, I tried to change that. I kept texting him, telling him I missed him, asking him how was his case going and trying to wish him a Happy Birthday. All of which I got maybe a one sentence answer to, and if so a couple of days later. I felt hurt and rejected. It sucked!
He had asked me if I wanted to get involved in his project and I said sure, it sounded like a good way to make some money. He saw that it would be something I would be good at and that would help him make money, was my guess. So he said he was coming over it to talk about it. This was in the middle of the afternoon which was a weird time for him and I had about 30 minutes notice to get myself together. He came by with his new dog, had a strange look on his face, wouldn’t even look at me directly. Almost like he found me repulsive.
He gave me a lukewarm hug, no kiss, no look of interest in being intimate. He dropped off some material for the project and said he had to run. I said wait a minute, why are you acting so funny. You don’t want to fool around? I haven’t even seen you in forever! He said, well I don’t want to be accused of just using you for sex so probably not a good idea. I had no idea what he was talking about. It was already established he wasn’t my boyfriend, and I was not placing conditions on him. I figured when he was done with me he would tell me a lot more clearly and with respect for my feelings.
The next time I saw him and we were talking about the concert, he said he was still going but “just as friends”. He proceeded to drop off stuff for our project and quickly leave. His approach of coming by now was to notify me that he was passing through my area, could he bring this or that. This was so painful. How did I go from being a lover, to just a friend who he didn’t want to hang out with at all aside from doing the project which would make him money also.
When the time of the concert finally, came. I was so excited. He confirmed he was coming to pick me up. He came by, lay on the couch and even wanted to fool around. I said, no we should do that later, I wanted to spend time with him after the concert, not to have him just leave. What happened at the concert was awful. We started off getting along fine, we had no arguments. We found our seats, he asked me if I wanted a beer. I said sure. He came back with it an hour and a half later! I had sat by myself all that time. Looking at the $100 empty chair I had paid for.
He had been arguing with somebody on the phone. This was just before my band was about to come on. He looked upset, I tried putting my hand over his. He pulled it away like he again was disgusted, got up and left. I assumed he was going to make another phone call. He never came back. He sent a text to a friend of mine to take me home, I had left my phone in his car. When I got home, I started texting him from my computer, I had a tracking device on my phone so I could see where it was. He sent me a text saying he had to go home to deal with something. No apology or anything. I was really crying my eyes out. I said well can I please get my phone back. No answer for the rest of the night. I think I sat there and wrote him an email or wasted my time texting him and then gave up.
I could tell where was because of the tracking information on my phone that it wasn’t his house, it was some apartment complex. With another woman I think is pretty obvious. He came back the next day to return my phone. He had the guiltiest look on his face. He said he had to make a quick trip to Home Depot and never came back. The pain was really overwhelming. What happened to the guy in the beginning? I felt so stupid, used, angry and full of hate. I kept texting him demanding an apology or at least some kind of acknowledgment of how much he had hurt me during the concert. He refused to give me either one. It was like he was cruelly and deliberately refusing to give me any type of dignity with an apology. In fact what he was doing was treating me like garbage to make me break up with him so he wouldn’t have to do it himself. Another trait of the CP. They can’t commit to breaking up with you! I kept blaming myself for my drunk texting problem or acting too needy or maybe I just wasn’t pretty enough anymore. My self-esteem was really crushed and I felt like an ugly loser.
The next time we spoke it was about the project. He had left an item for the project over here that was expensive. I had said to him I didn’t want to see him for a while. He texted again saying he was in the neighborhood could he please come over. I said for what for me or the equipment. For you of course was his reply. He came by and fell asleep on the couch. I cuddled with him, everything seemed a bit better and I remembered to give him his equipment back. Once he got it back we texted a couple more times. He was going to come by again and to get the project moving. We were talking somewhat friendly. I asked him what time and he replied “if you start acting the fool again, I’ll be really mean to you”. That left a bitter taste in my mouth, how dare he speak to me like that! When he was ready to stop by, I was sick in bed and missed the message. When I turned my phone on, there was a bunch of angry messages telling me to forget the project obviously I wasn’t serious about it. I tried to explain I was sick. He ignored me for two days – and then after more words that followed he said maybe it’s for the best we don’t talk again.
I really broke down for the next few weeks. Sometimes, I would get so angry, the hurt was terrible. I would text him horrible threatening messages. I knew I needed to stop this and leave him alone, but I was felt it was so sick the way that he had treated me. I couldn’t or just didn’t want to stop myself from acting out. The last time we ever spoke I had emailed him and he called me a creepy crawly catfish who was evil and bored. I probably deserved that because of the way I was behaving but every day it hurt and I just wanted an apology. In one of the emails, he gave me half a one, it seemed insincere and to shut me up.
Like most women who are with one of these men, I got stuck on having the guy from the beginning return. Truth was HE NEVER EXISTED! He does this over and over again to women. The hurt wasn’t just all over the rejection which nobody likes. It was in the way in which he did it. It was cruel and heartless and I don’t understand how people like that can treat others so terribly. Especially, those they had seemed to care somewhat for as a person. I believed he had some kind of heart on the inside, maybe he did, I can’t speak for how somebody else really feels. CP’s will never give you any closure, which is why the abrupt break up can be so devastating. You have to find the peace within yourself to let it go and move on.
I would love to hear any success stories of those who have been through a similar experience with a CP or even of any success stories of one successfully treated with therapy.